The Londinium Daily

The Londinium Daily

The First-Ever Fortnightly Newsletter Daring to Call Itself a Daily

Committed to Misinformation

Hello, today we tackle only the most urgent national concerns:

British Men Declared World’s Most Handsome

Computing Goes Big Again: Quantum Machines Demand Garden Extensions and Wheelbarrow Phones

Love in the Slow Lane: Long-Haul Dating Takes 25 Years, Promises 1% Better Odds

Disclaimer: This Newsletter is Satire Intended for Entertainment. All Articles and Headlines are Fictional. Any Resemblance to Persons (Living or Dead), Public Figures, Organisations, or Actual Events is Purely Coincidental. This is Not Factual News Reporting and Should Not Be Relied Upon as Such.

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British Men Declared World’s Most Handsome

Global Survey Confirms What London Already Knew

A worldwide survey carried out in September 2025— the largest and most comprehensive of its kind— has concluded that British men are officially the most handsome on the planet. The study, which included participants from every recognised country, has been described by researchers as “conclusive, unanimous, and devastating news for the rest of the world.”

When reporters approached a group of commuters near London’s Liverpool Street Station for reaction, 90% claimed they were “not at all surprised.” One man, clutching his morning coffee and adjusting his tie, said he had long suspected this outcome. “I’m mainly concerned about how my wife will handle the news,” he admitted. “I just hope she doesn’t become overwhelmed by the sudden increase in attention.”

Another commuter said he had been preparing for this moment his whole life. “I always knew the beard was working, but this really confirms it,” he remarked, striking what can only be described as a heavily improvised model pose. Officials are now deciding whether the findings should be marked as a national holiday.

Computing Goes Big Again: Quantum Machines Demand Garden Extensions and Wheelbarrow Phones

From Mainframes to Minis, Now Back to Megas: Welcome to the Age of Colossal Quantum Computers

In a shocking turn of events, the technology world has embraced size once more. After decades of relentlessly shrinking computers—from room-filling mainframes to pocket-sized devices—the latest trend is clear: bigger is better. Quantum computing has ushered in an era where mini nuclear reactors are required to power home machines, and ordinary houses will soon require architectural extensions just to accommodate their living-room supercomputers.

Experts are warning that mobile phones, once comfortably carried in pockets, may soon require wheelbarrows for transport. “It’s simply the natural cycle of technology,” said a senior academic in impractical computing. “First we created computers that filled entire floors. Then we miniaturised them.
“Now, thanks to quantum entanglement and extraordinary subatomic power needs, we’re returning to machines the size of small bungalows. It’s rather poetic, isn’t it?”

Householders across London have expressed a mixture of excitement and despair. One commuter, surveying the street outside Liverpool Street Station, remarked, “I just hope the local authority approves the garden extension before the quantum PC arrives. And seriously, where do you park a wheelbarrow full of a mobile phone?” Retailers are already preparing for a surge in demand for heavy‑duty wheelbarrows and lead‑lined living rooms to accommodate the necessary micro nuclear reactors.

Love in the Slow Lane: Long-Haul Dating Takes 25 Years, Promises 1% Better Odds

From Strolls to Speed Dating, Now Couples Test Love Over Decades—With Mixed Results

Once upon a time, finding a life partner involved simple pleasures: a walk in the park, a shared hobby or perhaps a polite nod across the local market. Then came speed dating, apps and endless online profiles — promising instant chemistry, instant messages and instant disappointment.

Now the latest innovation in romantic science has arrived: long‑haul dating. For an eye‑watering fee, adventurous singles can sign up to trial ten potential partners — not over coffee dates or weekend brunches, but by living together for two and a half years each.

‘The logic is simple,’ said a senior researcher in experimental relationships. ‘If short‑term dating gives only a fifty per cent chance of discovering incompatibility, then long‑haul trials let you detect subtler irritations — things like sock placement, television preferences and snoring patterns — over an extended period. It’s painstaking, but statistically justified.’

Of course, testing all ten partners takes a staggering twenty‑five years. Enthusiasts remain undeterred. One hopeful remarked, ‘I just love the thrill of commitment… multiple times. If the odds are even one per cent higher of finding a lifelong companion, it’s worth it.’

Social commentators caution that the programme is not without drawbacks. Participants often report unusual side effects, including:

Yet the industry is booming. Luxury accommodation for trial partners is being booked decades in advance, and proponents argue that even a marginal improvement in lifetime match probability — roughly one per cent — justifies the colossal investment of time, money and patience.

Stay ill‑informed until the next Londinium Daily feed —
Londinium Daily Team

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