The Londinium Daily
Published fortnightly. Running slightly behind.
Committed to Misinformation
Hello, today’s headlines include an HR mystery, an M4 showdown, and the sudden collapse of economic certainty.
Stories this edition:
IT Position Advertised for 27 Years Remains Unfilled, HR Still Unsure What the Role Is For
New Rivalry Erupts Between Bowls Team and Football Hooligans After M4 Service Station Toilet Confrontation
Economists Shocked as Laffer Curve Stops Making Sense
Disclaimer: This Newsletter is Satire Intended for Entertainment. All Articles and Headlines are Fictional. Any Resemblance to Persons (Living or Dead), Public Figures, Organisations, or Actual Events is Purely Coincidental. This is Not Factual News Reporting and Should Not Be Relied Upon as Such.
Join the anti-fact uprising! Forward this to a friend and subscribe at: TheLondiniumDaily.co.uk
Have feedback, corrections, or a hilarious idea you think we should cover? Visit our contact form at: TheLondiniumDaily.co.uk.
IT Position Advertised for 27 Years Remains Unfilled, HR Still Unsure What the Role Is For
An IT position advertised continuously since 1998 remains unfilled, with the company’s HR department confirming they are “still clarifying the scope of the role.” The listing, originally posted during the dot-com boom, has survived multiple rebrands, three office relocations, and at least one complete replacement of the IT department it was meant to support.
According to HR, the role has evolved organically over the years and now requires experience in Windows 95, cloud computing, cybersecurity, and “whatever Steve used to do.” Applicants are expected to be both highly technical and “good with people,” while also being available for occasional urgent calls regarding printers.
When asked why the position has never been filled, HR explained that previous candidates were rejected for being either “too technical” or “not technical enough,” with several turned away for asking what the job actually involved. “We’re looking for the right fit,” an HR spokesperson said, “and we’ll know it when we see it.”
New Rivalry Erupts Between Bowls Team and Football Hooligans After M4 Service Station Toilet Confrontation
A previously unimaginable sporting rivalry has emerged after a confrontation between a local crown green bowls team and a group of football hooligans at an M4 service station bathroom on Saturday afternoon.
The incident reportedly began over a disagreement regarding hand-dryer etiquette and escalated when one party accused the other of “taking the wrong cubicle.”
Witnesses say the bowls team, returning from an away fixture, initially attempted to calm the situation before tensions rose following the remark, “You wouldn’t last five minutes on the green.” The hooligans responded by mocking the players’ attire and questioning whether bowls was “even televised.”
Service station bathroom
The situation deteriorated when one hooligan allegedly attempted to interfere with the bowls equipment. Paramedics later confirmed that a member of the hooligan group required minor surgery to remove a jack, described by hospital staff as “unexpectedly heavy” and “clearly not designed for indoor use.”
Police arrived to find both groups standing aggressively apart — one side holding weighted bowls equipment, the other chanting while waiting for a cubicle to become free. Officers described the atmosphere as “confused, hostile, and oddly restrained.”
In the aftermath, both groups have vowed revenge, with sources confirming that each is now actively preparing for a rematch should they encounter one another again at an M4 service station bathroom.
A spokesperson for the bowls club stated that the hooligans were fortunate the club’s over-75s team had not been present. “If the veterans had been involved,” the spokesperson said, “the person most likely to have been killed would have been a hooligan. Those men are extremely accurate.”
For now, police advise travellers to exercise caution in motorway restrooms, particularly where crown green bowls equipment may be present.
Economists Shocked as Laffer Curve Stops Making Sense
LONDON — Governments struggling with rising debt may have misunderstood taxation in the wrong direction, according to a new think tank report described as “innovative” and “deeply unsettling.”
Economic theory suggests higher taxes eventually reduce revenue, as shown by the Laffer Curve. But researchers now claim that at extreme tax rates, the curve doesn’t flatten — it inverts, becoming exponential.
At this point, corporations and wealthy individuals reportedly stop behaving rationally and instead develop an intense desire to pay more tax. “Once the numbers are high enough,” the report states, “economic agents become emotionally invested in contributing.”
The resulting revenue surge is enormous, but unstable. Some firms allegedly bankrupted themselves attempting to meet personal tax targets, while others explored legally questionable ways to overpay. The report concludes the discovery could solve national debt overnight — assuming the economy survives.
Stay ill‑informed until the next Londinium Daily feed —
Londinium Daily Team
Help spread the confusion!
Forward this to a friend and subscribe at : TheLondiniumDaily.co.uk.
Spot anything that actually makes sense or needs correction? Inform us via our contact form at : TheLondiniumDaily.co.uk (we’re as baffled as you).