The Londinium Daily
Published fortnightly. Temporarily delayed, as usual.
Confidence Without Verification
Hello,
Another week, another reminder that the world doesn’t make sense — and neither do we. Sit back, take notes, or ignore entirely; either way, you’re about to enter The Londinium Daily.
Stories this edition:
UK Teaching Hospital Performs World’s First Haemorrhoid Transplant
Recruitment Is Broken: Researcher Reveals “Say No to Everything” Job Strategy
Nano Technology Is About to Go Big
Disclaimer: This Newsletter is Satire Intended for Entertainment. All Articles and Headlines are Fictional. Any Resemblance to Persons (Living or Dead), Public Figures, Organisations, or Actual Events is Purely Coincidental. This is Not Factual News Reporting and Should Not Be Relied Upon as Such.
Join the anti-fact uprising! Forward this to a friend and subscribe at: TheLondiniumDaily.co.uk
Have feedback, corrections, or a hilarious idea you think we should cover? Visit our contact form at: TheLondiniumDaily.co.uk.
UK Teaching Hospital Performs World’s First Haemorrhoid Transplant
LONDON — Consultants at a leading UK teaching hospital have announced the world’s first haemorrhoid transplant, calling it “groundbreaking,” although they admit it is mostly cosmetic. “We are entering a new era of status medicine,” one consultant said. “The procedure doesn’t save lives, but it does save face.”
As wealth concentrates, the elite are reportedly hunting ever more inventive ways to display social superiority. Cosmetic procedures previously limited to teeth and hair are now moving further south. Observers note that the procedure appeals to a demographic seeking medical interventions that are both painful and technically unnecessary. One key advantage of receiving a haemorrhoid transplant, insiders suggest, is that it can be casually flaunted while changing at your local tennis club.
The surgery was performed under general anaesthetic, but with the rise of robot-assisted techniques, future procedures could be carried out under local anaesthetic as a simple day case. Hospitals are already fielding enquiries from private clients requesting “matching donor profiles” and “symmetry checks.”
Experts predict that as costs fall, the wealthy will move on to even more exotic options. Rumours circulating in medical circles suggest verruca transplants may soon follow, while some futurists have begun drafting proposals for elective athlete’s foot transplants — a procedure considered higher-risk due to potential rejection, but increasingly popular for its visibility and the potential to “spread” within elite social networks.
Recruitment Is Broken: Researcher Reveals “Say No to Everything” Job Strategy
A veteran researcher has gone undercover into the world of corporate recruitment, conducting over 1,000 interviews and securing 100 job offers. The findings, he says, are so controversial that he insists on remaining anonymous.
With AI, cost-cutting, rising taxes, and waves of corporate bankruptcies, some job adverts are now attracting thousands of applicants for a single position. Conventional wisdom — the so-called “compliant employee fallacy” — suggests that those lucky enough to be interviewed should appear helpful, cooperative, and willing to go the extra mile.
The researcher discovered the exact opposite. His one simple rule: say no to everything. “It raises your value,” he explained. “Employers think, ‘This candidate is special — we must have him.’”
His approach is extreme and highly theatrical. Examples include:
Start the interview by announcing you only have ten minutes, as you “usually play squash with friends at this time.”
Continuously check your watch, glance around, and appear eager to leave.
Feign nodding off mid-interview, then wake yourself up with a look of mild surprise.
Online interviews: wear a dirty T-shirt and shorts, making sure the camera captures your full frame.
Don’t be afraid of bodily function noises — a cough, a sneeze, or more ambitious sounds may work in your favour.
Once the interview ends, the strategy continues. Switch off your mobile, go on holiday, and don’t answer follow-up calls. This “strategic ghosting,” the researcher claims, reinforces the idea that you are the prize.
He adds that following this rule often results in multiple job offers, some with above-market-rate remuneration, as employers compete to secure what they perceive to be a rare and indispensable candidate.
“Remember,” he concluded, “you are not here to help the company. You are here to be coveted. Every ‘no’ is a step closer to becoming untouchable.”
Nano Technology Is About to Go Big
Nano technology, long celebrated for its microscopic precision and potential medical breakthroughs, is poised to make a bold leap — into the visible, everyday world. For decades, the field has promised revolutionary applications in medicine, electronics, and materials science, but its tiny scale has made development slow, costly, and difficult.
In what experts are calling a stroke of genius (or madness), a leading researcher has proposed making nano tech… big. Scaling up the technology, the team claims, will drastically cut costs, simplify manufacturing, and make delivery and application more practical. The announcement has sent ripples through the scientific community, with some describing it as the “nano equivalent of turning a sports car into a bus.”
Critics argue that “big nano” may lose all the advantages of nanoscale precision, and could, in effect, be just regular technology with a misleading name. The researcher, however, insists that any limitations can be overcome — either with clever engineering or, failing that, slick marketing campaigns.
Major investors are reportedly pumping billions into big nano applications, betting on everything from industrial coatings to consumer gadgets. Conferences are already scheduled, with keynote talks promising: “Bigger. Better. Nano.” Meanwhile, some insiders speculate that rival labs are secretly developing “mega-nano” devices, combining oversized nanobots with AI assistants.
Whether scaling up will revolutionize medicine, or simply create a whole new category of expensive tech toys, remains to be seen. But one thing is clear: nano has gone big, and the world is watching.
Stay ill‑informed until the next Londinium Daily feed —
Londinium Daily Team
Help spread the confusion!
Forward this to a friend and subscribe at : TheLondiniumDaily.co.uk.
Spot anything that actually makes sense or needs correction? Inform us via our contact form at : TheLondiniumDaily.co.uk (we’re as baffled as you).